Big Letter Guy on how to promote your band successfully, jackass

"Today, via e-mail, I just received my 500,000th Form Letter from [your band]. Yes, [your band] from [your location, your country] that plays [genre], and whose MP3's I can download from mp3.com/***1to4RandomWords*****. Read on to find out how you too can prevent your band from being this stupid!"
Big Letter Guy, you make me laugh. Everyone can get a good chuckle by reading his rant under READ MORE.

First of all, if you want to promote your band, don't send unsolicited e-mail. Form letters are for bureacracies, not punk bands. Nobody cares about some "up and coming band from somewhere that's playing shit already been done by Blink-ataris-183". Even if those weren't your words, that is what I'm going to think you are saying when you completely fill your e-mail and band's website with asterisks and stars. In case you didn't notice, circa 1997, using asterisks was patented by the Ataris. That means for twelve years, legally only the Ataris can license the use of ridiculous looking stars to bands that completely suck. Now, unless you want to completely suck, do not use asterisks on your web site, band logo, and CD artwork, unless you are using them from their real use*.If you really want to promote your band to strangers, in lieu of e-mail, I suggest IRC, Yahoo Messenger, AIM, and MSN messenger. Why? Because on IRC, one of two things will happen: you can pretend to be a girl and give cybersex (this is a really good stragtegy, actually), but trick the men into going to your band's site and buying your records. For example:
Foxxykate222828282: hey sexy
Someguy111: U have pic????
Foxxykate222828282: yes, right here http://www.wereallysuckass.org/HOT.mp3
Someguy111: Wow your band is awesome! I wish to buy your CD's!!!

Alternatively, your ass will get kicked and banned from numerous channels.Second of all, putting your mp3's up at mp3.com is a waste of time because nobody who really listens to music listens to 128 kbps MP3's. This is because they sound awful. No exceptions. This is because of the way MP3 technology works: it removes sound! mp3.com only allows these low bitrate mp3's; that is why all artists at mp3.com sound awful. I suggest using dmusic.com where you can post 192 kbps MP3's which are halfway decent.
Third of all, if you write a shitty song, don't ever sing, perform, or record it. If you are a musician, you are going to have to realize that you will write a bad song more often than not.Fourth of all, if you always write shitty songs, quit.Fifth of all, just because you have a CD out doesn't mean anyone wants to hear it! Don't pressure people to buy your CD either! They will just think you are a jackass, conceited, pompous, greedy, only in it for the money, cheap, and a poser. For that matter, just because your friends and family say they like your band doesn't mean anyone else will.Finally, and most importantly, be humble. This is the key to success. I mean, look at Fred Durst. Everyone thought he was cool before he starting speaking. Now everyone knows he is the biggest jackass in the industry. This is because he thought he was a rock star. He tried to initimidate bands. Now look at him; he's begging that painted-faced guy to write some more songs for him and his music sucks.In conclusion, I hope that you do this stuff like I said. Otherwise, they're all going to laugh at you.

*which is this.