Interviews: Check Out The Melvins Guide to Romance!

While everyone knows that The Melvins are grade-A, first class rockers, few people know that they are also a trio of Romeos. Guitarist Buzz Osborne proposed to his wife just days after meeting her. Drummer Dale Crover has been a family man for decades. Bassist Steven McDonald even recorded a love song to his on the last Redd Kross album!
To that end, this Valentine's Day, the band is releasing the second episode of Melvins TV- and it's focused on LOVE, baby! Not only will the band be playing a live set, but Dale Crover's band provides an opening set, AND there will be interviews and other wackiness. You can check that out here.

Since the crew of weirdo-rockers are also a bunch of lovebugs, we asked them to teach us the art of romance. You can read the Melvins tips on amore below.

Buzz Osborne (Guitar, Vocals)

What is the best way to court the object of one's desire? I suppose a good approach would be seeing if they’ll even talk to you at all. If they’ll talk to you that means they’re at least a tiny bit interested. Then, find out as quickly as possible if they have a job. Beware of the broke or unemployed. They’re the easiest ones to get. That might be fun for a night or two but picking a broke, unemployed or possibly unemployable person for a long term relationship is a really dumb idea. FORGET IT!

Does love come to those who actively seek it, or does it appear when one least expects? I don’t know about love but herpes or possibly something worse will certainly come to those who actively seek it. I doubt starting things off in a pressure cooker is a good idea but I could be wrong. Give it a shot, it might just work and besides, if you find that constantly calling, texting or emailing doesn’t do the trick then just get drunk and go over there.

It's the night where you are going to drop the L-word on your honey. What's the best way to set the stage? If it’s what they want to hear then saying it in ANY situation will work. They say it conquers all and I think you should put that to the test. Try it over warm beer in a rat infested alley and see what happens!

What is your opinion on love songs, and have you ever written one? The Damned have a song called "Love Song" that I think says it all, although Ted Nugent’s "Wang Dang Sweet Poontang" takes a close second. If your loved one can’t handle a song like "Wang Dang" then move on quickly. They’re definitely not the right person for you. Who wants to be in a relationship with someone THAT uptight? I’d hope they’d have more on their mind. In fact you should definitely use "Wang Dang" as a barometer to measure whether they’d be a good partner or not. Blast it in the car at top volume and if they blow a gasket you should immediately pull over and tell them to get the fuck out. As far as me writing love songs when it comes to lyrics I’m more of the hate and revenge type. I’ll leave the sappy love songs to Motörhead.

Have you ever had your heart broken, and if so, how did you recover? Not really. It’s usually me who takes off first but even that’s been few and far between. In high school I only went out with girls who didn’t even LIVE in the same small town as me. The girls in my school who I might have been interested in wanted nothing at all to do with me so I moved on to the greener pastures in the surrounding inbred communities. There were plenty of County Fair type party chicks who asked no questions and liked to get good and fucked up. This was perfect for me because I didn’t want to hear a lot of irritating questions and I certainly liked getting good and fucked up.

How did you propose to your wife, and in retrospect, was it a good way to do it? I just asked out of the blue after knowing her for approximately 30 days. 8 months later we were married and here we are still together after 27 years! It was obviously the right question to ask. I was glad she said yes. Neither of us are big on fancy celebrations or expensive rings or high priced honeymoons so we never wasted cash on any of that stuff but if you think it’s a good idea to spend tens of thousands of dollars on ridiculous crap like that then tell your fiancé to cool their jets until your 10th wedding anniversary. THEN throw a big party and maybe go on a pricey trip somewhere. Chances are you’ll probably be divorced by then anyway. If you are still married then congratulations! Now you have something to really celebrate!

Each of the Melvins have been married for a long time. How does a Melvin keep the spark alive, year after year? Weirdly enough in 27 years, we haven’t had any big problems. No divorceable offenses. That’s a good thing. I also understand that smart women like my wife who are willing to put up with me and what I do for a living don’t grow on trees. I’m not finding another Mrs. Right just around the corner so I’m not going to screw this up. She’s also an eccentric weirdo so this is perfect! I liked her from the get go because she didn’t need me. I find independence very attractive. So, my advice for a loving, long term marriage would be to stay weird and strive for independence. Nothing will keep you together more than those two things.

Dale Crover (Drums, Vocals)

What is the best way to court the object of one's desire? Voodoo! A spell would probably work but I recommend getting an authentic Voodoo love doll.

Does love come to those who actively seek it, or does it appear when one least expects? We all seek love, but it hits us when we’re not looking. POW, right in the kisser!

It's the night where you are going to drop the L-word on your honey. What's the best way to set the stage? Dinner with bubbly, followed by watching Harold and Maude, Rushmore or anything with a Cat Stevens soundtrack.

What is your opinion on love songs, and have you ever written one? I like them. There’s plenty of great love songs out there, enough that we don’t have to write one. Actually, all of our songs are love songs!

Have you ever had your heart broken, and if so, how did you recover? Yes, of course. I’ve always had drumming and music to help me through any hard times. Take up the drums. It’s the best therapy!

How did you propose to your wife, and in retrospect, was it a good way to do it? It was in front of the Haunted Mansion at Disneyland, right before we went on the ride. She said yes, so it must’ve been a good way.

Each of the Melvins have been married for a long time. How does a Melvin keep the spark alive, year after year? Performance enhancing drugs!

Steven McDonald

What is the best way to court the object of one's desire? I like to follow the Rick James method; Incense, Wine and Candles. One must create a “freaky scene”.

Does love come to those who actively seek it, or does it appear when one least expects? It's probably best to just be open to love. Not to hunt it, or doubt it,.. just allow it. baby.

It's the night where you are going to drop the L-word on your honey. What's the best way to set the stage? If it’s real there is no stage to set. You could be in the Taj Mahal or in a Jack in the Box parking lot. If the words are sincere and coming from the heart, the connection you both feel transcends all space and time. Or at least I believe that’s how it should be,..but just in case, you might want to take your sweetheart somewhere nice like Claim Jumpers.

What is your opinion on love songs, and have you ever written one? I’m in favor of them. But so far have not written many…maybe co written a few? Melvins Love Songs the next album, it’s time!

Have you ever had your heart broken, and if so, how did you recover? Yes, I’ve had my heart broken. You just have to Bondo it back together. It actually makes it stronger!

How did you propose to your wife, and in retrospect, was it a good way to do it? We almost got married in our first year together spontaneously in Lake Tahoe one night. Someone suggested a shot gun wedding, just for fun. We were tanked up on black jack and martini’s and almost did it. Then she chickened out,..but assured me she would let me know when she was ready someday. And that's what happened, one night 5 years later she told me, "its time, ask me".. so I got on a knee and asked her. Would’ve been funny had she said “fuck no!!” but she didn’t and so far It's all worked out. So yeah it was a good way to do it.

Each of the Melvins have been married for a long time. How does a Melvin keep the spark alive, year after year? I obediently comply. She’s smarter than me. And sometimes we use The Heart Method as outlined in their song "Love Alive”. The most important bits are in bold.
Baby I want you to roll me Hold me in your love
No more habits, promises and jive
Ever since I was a baby girl Wanted one thing most in this world It was to keep my love- keep my love alive