Valient Thorr

Total Universe Man (2005)

Jesse Raub

If this band was good, then maybe I'd be writing a different review. Maybe I would be praising their silly backstory (something involving being from Venus), or maybe I would be laughing with them over their metal clichés. Perhaps we could even pretend to actually rock out. Instead, I'm forced to give you the story straight: This band is terrible. And not terrible in the good way either. It's so bad you can't even laugh at it. Instead, we're stuck with 4 slightly talented musicians, one supremely annoying singer, and no good songs.

A mixture of cut-rate metal riffs, third-rate cock rock tempos, and unratable attempts to bring thrash into it, Valient Thorr is a culmination of exactly what I've come to despise in many bands: A lack of rock. That's right, it just doesn't rock. Instead, it's really boring. It makes me gag a little bit, then puts me to sleep, where I have glorious dreams of the MC5, who these chump-monkeys can't stop aping. Did they really need to throw the fake crowd and semi-sermons in before songs? Ugghh.

Also, any band with a metal aspect doesn't get to do spoken-word intermissions in their albums. Or maybe if they actually rocked they would be able to. But alas, this thing is tamer than that sixteen-year-old Hellcat band. Ouch.

Note: Bring the rock before you bring the antics.