The Vents / The Teen Sensation Glasses

Split (2005)

Jordan Rogowski

With the first song on this split between the Vents and the Teen Sensation Glasses comes nostalgia. The nostalgia brought about by being an avid fan of pop-punk music in middle school. The Vents remind of MxPx, bike races, throwing rocks at trains, and backyard whiffleball. Well maybe not so much the latter, backyard whiffleball stands the test of time.

It's not even a minute-and-a-half long, but in that short duration, "Anna" has all those middle school memories flooding right back. Catchy choruses, multi-part harmonies, and riffing that's just hard enough to constitute the latter half of the pop-punk tag. It's shallow music, but it's fun music, and that's always been the main ingredient with a successful pop-punk record. Unfortunately, even with only six songs on the split being theirs, the novelty wears off quickly, reminding me just why I stopped being so into pop-punk in the first place. There's not much to it; the melodies are well done, albeit a bit sophomorish, but they have a grasp at how to write coherent music.

This is a split, though, and the Teen Sensation Glasses have seven songs to contribute, seven chances to make an impression.

Unfortunately, they might as well have not even bothered. Their schtick is a rather forgettable one, mixing Beach Boys-like guitar melodies with atrocious synthesizer inclusion and worse vocals. I'm talking absolutely cringeworthy vocals on this one, no redeeming value whatsoever. Sounds like nothing more than a nasally teenager singing while his friends play around on the synthesizer. But they do put their heads together and pen some really terrific lyrics, that, I can admit.

I know somebody who knows, I know somebody who knows, I know somebody who knows karate.

Simply stunning. I quickly realized to not even bother analyzing lyrics or any other facet of this wretched music when I heard "girls have vaginas, and boys have a penis." Thank you, thank you for that insight. Either these guys are trying way too hard to be Atom and His Package, or they really do have the mentality of a 13-year-old boy who's yet to see a pair of boobs that aren't on a computer screen.

Listening to this album has made me more grateful that I've grown up that I ever even thought possible.