The Functional Blackouts

The Severed Tongue Speaks for Everyone [12 inch] (2006)

Jesse Raub

Just as noisy and obnoxious as before, the Functional Blackouts are back again with another piece of shit, tin can-sounding record full of "in your face punk attitude." Okay, I don't know who I'm quoting for that, but regardless, these guys know how to make a record. Four chaps from Chicago bang out noisy rock'n'roll influenced by everything from the Germs to the Rolling Stones and the Stooges.

Play it loud enough and you'll probably just get one high-pitched buzz coming out of your speakers in uneven intervals. Turn down the volume and you've got distorted as hell guitar (á la Dead Kennedys), heavy rhythm banged out on the skins and bass (á la whatever the fuck you want it to be) and screeched vocals just as distorted and indistinguishible as the guitar (á la your mom blowing herself, that tramp).

Side F (for 'Functional,' idiot) has got short bursts like "Terrorist Vacuum" and "I'm a Modern Modern Man," reminiscent of angular `70s punk cashed out at high volumes, but it's also got avant-nosie drones tossed into it at the ends of "Gonna Get Cut" and "Train of Naught." I think I hear a saxophone, but what the fuck, right? Can't really hear anything that's going on in this record, but what do you care, bigot? This band's got soooooouuullllll…

It seems like every year I hear another thing about the latest band who sounds "like, totally `77, dude" and I end up hearing some shitty, slick produced trash. You know, I never really considered three-part harmonies layered over seven guitar tracks very punk. The Blackouts (yeah, that's my pet name for 'em) are just some dudes playing music, having fun, and being obnoxious.

And if you thought Side F was crazy…wait 'til you hear Side B (for 'Blackouts,' dipshit). This side kicks off with "No Idea," probably the best track on this thingamajig. Fast, sloppy, angular chords playing stop'n'go and swtiching up and switching off with the drums and bass for the title of 'Who Gets to Do the Sweet Little Fill Right Now.' Side B's also got "Stab Your Back" and "Lucid Things," two tracks that'll give you a hernia, and if they don't, then I'll come down there and give you a hernia. Fuck man, why you gotta make me do that?

In summation, these gentlemen have created a fine specimen of a rock and roll record that'll probably be burnt out by the time this year is over with. Heads up to the Criminal IQ boys: You might need to send me another one before I wear out my grooves.