International Superheroes of Hardcore

International Superheroes of Hardcore (2006)

Scott

From the East Coast to the West Coast, screamo, screamo gotta go!

Joining the ranks of the Aquabats and the Pheneomenauts to save the planet from appalling music and to promote fun are the International Superheroes of Hardcore. As of late, dudes with more expensive haircuts than their girlfriends sporting a wardrobe that crossdressers would envy are claiming the hardcore genre. Thankfully, in true superhero fashion the good guys have arrived at the last second to rescue the world from impending disaster! ISHC are not flashy inconspicuous nerds like Spiderman or Batman who lead personal lives as Peter Parker or Bruce Wayne, respectively. Instead, these five musicians relate more to the X-Men and do not conceal their identity, instead wearing their pride on their costumes -- I assume all members own a closet full of basketball jerseys.

There are four unique regulations that every assembly of superheroes must comply with: a theme song, superpowers, a leader, and a logo. ISHC accomplish all four within two minutes. Their anthem begins with a brutal spinkick fireball combo to Superman's chest, knocking his emblem into the center of a sweat soaked circle pit, leaving only the fierce Captain Straight Edge to snag it off the floor while grabbing some spare change to fund a 7 inch in the process. Of course his right-hand man The Amazing Breakdown has his back in case the push mosh gets out of hand.

Occasionally superheroes have to put up with common thugs. Remember that time you sold your Shai Hulud vinyl on eBay after their umpteenth breakup and the buyer never paid? Well don't worry, because ISHC will help you get your bank back with a few chugga chugga riffs. Freddy Madball's even got their back and that dude carries a gun, so you know you're covered.

The Superhero faction, much like the modern day hardcore scene, is crowded with phonies. Captain Straight Edge, The Amazing Breakdown, Mr. Mosh, Chugga Chugga, and Sgt. Soy call them out on "Superhero Sellouts" exposing the likes of the Fantastic Four, Judge Dredd and more for selling out to the movie industry. Batman also catches the ferocity of a wall of death for ruining the hardcore scene in Gotham City. Hopefully they can do something about that Tony Brummel villain next, he shares an uncanny resemblance with Lex Luther, don't you think?

Saving the world is not a simple task and the heroes of the world certainly need to relax -- everyone knows that there is no better way to have fun than hardcore dancing to a siq breakdown. Oh what's that, you don't know how to hardcore dance? Well there is no need to worry as the "Hardcore Hokey Pokey" will teach you everything you need to know about head-walking to windmills.

The world is lucky to have a group as dedicated as the International Superheroes of Hardcore to protect us from the ills of the music industry. So be sure to support them by throwing a parade in your city or at least picking up this record. There's only a thousand available, so much like owning The Amazing Spiderman issue #1, it will be quite the collector's item down the road.