We are excited to announce that Punknews will be launching a premium destination festival. Cool, Smart People Fest will take place on beautiful, tropical Goian Island, which as you know, is the largest island of the Republic of Moldova. The festival is very exclusive, so you have to be very cool, very smart, and very rich to attend. At the all-inclusive festival, you will enjoy fantastic luxuries such as a double wide plastic tent, two meals a day including a Broc-n-cheese hot pocket and some Arbys we found, as well as non-stop premium entertainment. We haven't booked any bands yet, but we assure you the music will be the best music you have ever heard. A guy that plays banjo outside Starbucks expressed some interest in playing. We also e-mailed Paul McCartney. (He hasn't responded yet). We are also trying to get Black Flag to play, if Greg Ginn will agree to use our suggested singer, the Angry Bagel guy who was a meme in like 2019.
Tickets start at $5,999.95 (plus fees) for the basic entry. However, there is a range of tiers to choose from, with the diamond VIP u-r-better-than-other-people package that runs for a reasonable $3 million. That package includes a festival pass, ins-and-outs, a commemorative margarita cup, and a signed 8x10 glossy of Bob Denver. (Bob will not be at the festival).
We're hoping that the festival will take place this summer, we think, but we are accepting payment now. We are kind of maybe thinking about planning to fill out permit applications kind of soon-ish. To purchase a pass, put the appropriate amount of money in a box and light it on fire. In the meantime, can we sell you tickets to a private dinner with Michael Jordan, Jimi Hendrix, Fabio, Spiro Agnew, and Cher?