Well, it's that time again. The end of the year brings about the inherent drive of all webzine ass-monkeys to force their opinions of music upon everyone. And don't think I'm any different. I've been working on my list now for a long time, in fact, ever since New Year's Eve last year. See, I was at a party at Megan's apartment (some of you might remember Megan; some of you despised her reviews very much) and was hanging out with Scott, when all of a sudden he goes apeshit and says, "Hey, why aren't the lists up yet?" Well now, I was confused, to say the least. What lists? Why, of course, the "Top Ten (or twenty) of 2003" lists, of course! Being the aspiring pretentious asshole music geek I was back then (oh, believe me, it's a skill that takes developing), I was new to the idea of a tangible list being created. Not just a general idea in your head about what to listen to, but a full blown touchable list. Not only that, but I saw the ultimate power attained in these lists. Complete. Utter. Control. Those lists were unabashed opinions; the editors' way of perpetuating mind-control. And I wanted a piece of it.

Up until that point, I only had a handful of reviews published for Punknews, and wasn't exactly staff yet. But let's go back further and give you the full story of my coronation as a staff reviewer. Back in September, when I hit the road with my friends Michael and Claudio to go see a few shows in Chicago (back when I lived in Minnesota, not Chicago), we had a stop to make in between. Yes, that stop was to pick up their friend Scott, who apparently worked with some sort of webzine. By the end of the trip, Scott and I had finally accepted each other as vicious rivals, and put down the ninja swords we were battling with long enough for him to agree to let me review a couple of CDs that had already been passed through Megan, Katie, and were now in the hands of Claudio. The thing was – the CDs were terrible and nobody had the heart to bash them openly on the Internet. Well now, I thought, isn't that what the Internet is for? So I accepted the challenge, under the stipulation that if I reviewed these two CDs, Scott would give me a staff reviewer slot. Scott agreed, but only under the ultimatum that I would be reviewing the absolute crème de la shit that was piling up at Punknews Reviewing HQ (meaning Scott's bedroom). I gladly accepted and published those two reviews. After those, I reviewed a few personal favorites of my own that I felt were necessary for the Punknews archive. And that was 2003 for me, as a reviewer, but at that New Year's Eve party, I had a new goal. Now that I was (supposedly) a staff reviewer, I had to step it up a notch. I wanted my own "Best of..." column.

And now, here I am, writing this column for you, dear reader, spoon-feeding you every last drop of my pretentious asshole opinions, bit by bit. Surprisingly enough, I didn't have to beg or force my way into getting my own list. One day I said to Scott, sternly and openly, "I want my own ‘Best of 2004' list." He replied with, "Okay." It seemed too easy. There must have been a trick. And there was. This year is different. EVERY staff reviewer was invited to write their own Best of 2004 list. Oh well, I'll take what I can get. So without further ado, here are the records you should have been listening to in 2004, the records that you should take note of from 2004, the records that make your taste in music resemble a fat guy getting drunk at a wine tasting party, and the stuff I was ACTUALLY listening to in 2004.

Best of 2004 in alphabetical order

Honorable Mentions

And now on to the Honorable Mentions category. Maybe the album just wasn't as good as these others in my list. Maybe they were great albums, but just not as good as stuff the groups put out in the past. In any way, it's listed randomly as I remembered which albums to add to it.

2004 Mix Tape

So Adam wants us all to make a mixtape of the records we listed. Sure, why not? So I compiled a list of the best songs to be released in 2004, regardless of artist or album. Yeah, you might think I'm crazy, but I'm just letting you know that I listen to good music – and good music can come from anywhere, so here it is. Also, for a limited time only, if you send me a self-addressed stamped envelope big enough for two burned CDs, I will send you copies of my mixtape. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, this is your very own chance to BE LIKE ME. Which we all know is part of your highest aspirations in life. Pretentiousness aside, you would do best if you addressed your envelope containing the SASE to:

Jesse Carrington Raub
731 S Plymouth Ct
Apt 212
Chicago, IL 60605

And please, don't be a dick and send me random trash or hate letters. And don't look up my address and stop by. I have a very good doorman, and he's very good at keeping out the riff-raff. I'm doing you a favor and a service; don't take advantage of it.

Mix Tape

Usher -– Confessions Pt. II Akimbo – Circle of Hair Ted Leo/Pharmacists – Heart Problems Arcade Fire – Neighborhood #1 (Tunnels) Comets On Fire – The Antlers of the Midnight Sun Death From Above 1979 – Turn it Out Animal Collective – Who Could Win A Rabbit Heiruspecs – 5ves Blonde Redhead – Pink Love Mos Def – The Rape Over Animal Collective – The Softest Voice Tom Waits – Hoist that Rag TV On The Radio – Don't Love You Iron & Wine – On Your Wings Lords – Headache Heartattack Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds – Babe, You Turn Me On Panda Bear – (untitled) (track 1) The Icarus Line – Spike Island The Hives – Diabolic Scheme Vietnam – Too Tired

John Vanderslice – Pale Horse Liars – There's Always Room On the Broom The Hives – No Pun Intended Heiruspecs – I'm Behind You Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds – Fable of the Brown Ape Ted Leo/Pharmacists – Shake the Sheets Blonde Redhead – Misery Is A Butterfly Alicia Keys – If I Ain't Got You Devendra Banhart – Poughkeepsie Animal Collective – Mouth Wooed Her Tom Waits – Metropolitan Glide TV On The Radio – Ambulance The Velvet Teen – Penicillin (It Doesn't Mean Much) Iron & Wine – Naked As We Came Pig Destroyer – Lost Cause The Icarus Line – Kiss Like Lizards The Icarus Line – Getting Bright At Night The Icarus Line – Big Sleep David Bowie – Queen Bitch Hidden track: The Stooges – Search and Destroy

The making and sending of the mixtape was an idea I lifted from www.sayrah.net. Give credit when credit's due.

Worst of 2004

Wow, there was a lot of terrible, terrible music this year. Let's start by saying that anything Lil' Jon was a part of this year is better than any record that even touches the words "emo" or "screamo." And if you are someone who uses these words dearly as your favorite genres of music, then let it be known that you aren't even worthy enough to lick my asshole. Let's move on and say that any band featured on the cover of AP deserves the same title of not worthy to lick my asshole. My hatred towards bands like The Used and My Chemical Romance is obviously justified, but now some asshole is going to say, "Hey, what about Green Day?" Well let me tell you this: Green Day isn't worthy of licking my ass either. "American Idiot," despite the fact that it ripped off D4's "Doublewhiskeycokenoice," was a killer single, made me say, "Yeah, they've got something there." But the rest of that album is atrocious. And do I have to bring up the fact that everyone in that band wears eyeliner now? I don't know, there's a lot of bullshit forcing its way into the mainstream of music these days. Go read Buddyhead's "Worst of..." list, I'm sure it's going to be much more complete than this one...I can't even concentrate on what I hate because I hate it so much. Let's also add anything on Victory Records. You know what I'm talking about: Hawthorne Heights, The Hurt Process, Taking Back Sunday, Atreyu. That stuff sucks.

Best of 2004 that was not released in 2004

Now this list was a tricky one for me. This year, the illustrious 2004, I made it a point to go back and explore the roots of all the music I listen to now. Sure I liked The Stooges and Bowie and the MC5 and Public Enemy, but I never actually pursued entire records and I never fully digested any of them. So for my final list, allow me to give you the "Best of 2004 that was not released in 2004." Well, for me at least.

Conclusion

And now, onto what I'm looking forward to in 2005. To be honest, I'm looking forward to shitty genres being forced out of the limelight by other shitty genres. The only album I'm looking forward to is the debut full-length release from Somerset, penned to be released in early 2005 on a now mystery label (well, it's a mystery to YOU but I know what label it's on). I've followed those boys from their start, and not trying to be the next Scott here, I've heard the demos and I was blown away by a few tracks. Exciting to hear how it sounds with a real producer working with them on a full length album.

And thus concludes my listings for the year 2004. We've spent much time together; your reading of this article, to me, represents a pleasant fireside chat. We've laughed, we've cried, and then you cried some more for having a terrible taste in music. See you next year, bitches.