"Fike Philophobia" starts with the worst Elliott Smith impression I've ever heard, only to move into crappy high-pitched vocals that kick in with the line "waste away!" Uh-oh. Five kids from Orange County are having emotional troubles over their boring attempts to sound like a Drive-Thru band and Phantom Planet. They deserve to ride this wave all the way to the top. Woo-hoo.

This shit makes me want to puke. It has no relevance in the world of music. This shit is seriously the Carpenters of today, only, you know, without the bitchin' drug habit. Fuck man, the Carpenters, a goddamned family band, need I remind you, were more rock'n'roll than these tie-wearing pansies. Maybe they're sad because Hollister ran out of their favorite pair of jeans. Maybe they're sad because no one gives a damn about their shitty band. Or maybe they're just sad because no one's giving them credit for being bullshit trend riders.

"Listen to us! Our music is emotional, but we also have great piano-pop choruses! Woo hoo! Echo-effected vocals! Ultra radio-safe music!"

Okay, fine, that's not a real lyric, but it should be. Boo to this band. Boo to this band for sure.