I was pumped when I saw this cover because it looks like some badass `80s hair band put out a new record. And I wasn't disappointed. This shit is like Ratt. Or Quiet Riot. But unaware of how bad it is. We've got song titles like "Ghetto Town," "Pedal to the Metal," "Crazy Kids," and "Girl Hell Threw Back." It's like a whole album based off of "Round and Round," "Metal Health (Bang Your Head)," and "Breakin' the Law." You better believe there is some palm muting behind those rippin' guitar solos.

"I'm just livin', I'm just livin' on borrowed time / It's my life, it's my life, I'll make it mine / Every day, every day I patrol the line." Wow. I'd be floored, but it gets better. "I'm just livin', I'm just livin' a life of crime / I'm not ready, I'm not ready to do the time." He better be, 'cause the lyrics police are on their way. Wooo woooooooooo! This album is 20 years too late. But I can't stop listening to it. Every lame AC/DC riff they throw at me -- I'm trapped. And when they rip out the "Johnny B. Goode" guitar intro of "Hopscotch?" Man oh man, I'm almost tearing up. And "Hide and Seek?" Oh man, "Hide and Seek" gets its own paragraph.

Playing the games when we were young / A long time ago it was so much fun / Tryin' to find a place, behind the tree / So I was invisible you couldn't find me / Runnin' round the yard, you tryin' to find me / It's so simple, feel so free / If you catch me, the game will end / And I don't know what's wai-ting around the bend / Playin' the games when we were young, hide and seek it was so much fun / Playing the games were out of control, hide and seek it's rock and roll!

Take a moment. Re-read those lyrics. Analyze the content. It's like trying to read a Wesley Willis song. Try to figure out why they wrote a song about hide and seek. No, wait. Try to figure out why they wrote an `80s metal song that was literally about hide and seek. It could have been a great metaphor for nailing groupies. It's like they didn't pick up on the subtext of all those Mötley Crüe songs. They just didn't get it.

Not every song is as great of a gem as "Hide and Seek," but "Hopscotch" and "Heavy Metal Hotel" get close. At least I have a soundtrack for America Day next July 4th. Me, this album, a pair of thigh-length cutoff jean shorts and a sleeveless t-shirt are going to have a blast at the beach.